Letters That Don't Exist
by Katria Bloom
Summary: Cowritten with beatlebeb. Harry and Draco exchange letters over the summer months...SLASH
1. Harry: Letter One

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

Draco,

It has come to my attention that you are IGNORING me. Unless you are dead and lying very still on the floor somewhere, I expect a fully detailed letter within the week of 1) where you are, b) what you're doing, and 3) who you're doing : )

But seriously, it is ever so lonesome without you. I've locked myself in my room again and I actually think my aunt believes me dead. She hasn't delivered a meal in nearly two weeks now. No matter, I just slip out the window at night and stock up for a couples days while I'm at it. Doesn't bother anyone. They probably could care less if I didn't come back, not that they know I leave in the first place.

Anyhow, so wishing you were to have a little fun. I really think you would have loads more fun prodding my oaf of a cousin then me but hey, that's just my opinion. It really makes me wonder, though, why you haven't come to call or ringed me even, wondering if I were dead or not. Some explaining is in order, mister.

And don't make that face. I can picture you now, just sitting there and reading and making that face. STOP IT!

Well, you know, I really haven't got much else to say so I'll just go and wait patiently for your reply...wont do anything else. Nope. I'll just sit and not eat or sleep or shower...well, maybe I'll shower, but just the same.

Inescapably yours, Harry


	2. Draco: Letter Two

_Written by me._

* * *

Potter,

You have got to be kidding me.

When I got this letter I was lying on the floor somewhere completely still and your stupid ruddy owl pecked me until I took the letter from her. You should really think about getting a new one, this one is tempermental.

As for who and what I am doing, that's my secret. Okay, so it's more like I've been avoiding my mother and remainining annoyingly celibate, but still. My secret.

Won't your aunt think it odd when you leave for Hogwarts? I mean, with you being dead and all, the sight of seeing you walk out of your room looking fine and dandy would shock me.

Actually, just the sight of you shocks me. Honestly.

And I don't know what gives you the idea that I would touch your disgusting cousin, and the mere thought of you being stuck with him sickens me. Don't worry my princess, I will come to rescue you soon. Never fear.

I didn't write you because I completely forgot you existed. 'Harry Potter? Who in the devil is that?' I said when I recieved your letter. 'Oh, he's that annoying scrawny sod with horrible hair and even more horrible specs' I answered myself, and then I decided to write you back.

Aren't you proud of me?

And I am so totally not making a face. Even if I was, it would be beautiful. You know you miss me. You're pining, right now.

And please, for the sake of everything good in this world, shower. For me.

Grudgingly yours,

Draco

P.S. I do miss you, you sod.


	3. Harry: Letter Three

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

Mr. Arrogant Prat of the Year, 

Of course I'm going to shower. I do have some decency after all, even if it's impossible to get my hair to lay flat.

And you were so thinking about me. That's probably what you were doing on the floor, just laying there, thinking about me...probably wanking.

Oh, that's a nice face right there. You should take a picture so I could frame it.

Anyhow, you still haven't told me if you're going to come rescue me or not. I mean really, do you want me to be cooped up with my disgusting cousin? Or would you rather I be there with you, laying on the floor... You just think about that for a bit and get back to me a.s.a.p.

Oh, and Hedwig stays! She was here far before you.

And I am so not pining over you.

Harry


	4. Draco: Letter Four

_Written by me. _

* * *

Mr. Smelly Pining Over Me (oh, you so know you are),

Yes, it is impossible to make your hair lie flat, even if you are lying on your back all day. Believe me, I know.

And I'll have you know I was most certainly not wanking, I was trying to decide what colour to paint my ceiling. While is getting rather tiresome.

Still not making a face. No faces here.

Of course I shall come to rescue you, just not now. In due time, my dear princess. In due time. And I would very much like for you to help me decide what colour to paint my ceiling, I'm having a very hard time with it.

But who do you love more, Hedwig or me? Does she give you blowjobs that leave you weak in the knees?

Thought not.

I'll come for you soon. I promise.

Draco


	5. Harry: Letter Five

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

Mr. Gives HORRID blow jobs,

Red. You should paint your fucking ceiling red so that every time you look at it you think of me.

And it's not like I'm just going to wait here for you forever, you know. I may very well just pick up and leave tomorrow, not tell you where I'm going. How would you like that? Hm...

I love Hedwig so just get over it.

Your Harry


	6. Draco: Letter Six

_Written by me._

* * *

Mr. SO not getting a blow job for a verrry long time,

No. Red is gauty and looks horrible on me. No red. I was thinking blue...or possibly green.

But definitely not red.

Don't get all testy and decide to leave. There are certain precautions I must take before waltzing to your aunt and uncle's house to get you. Who knows when my father will be back, and my mum comes in here every other minute to see what I'm up to and if I want to go shopping with her.

It will be within the next few weeks, anyway. Your aunt and uncle don't even know your still among the living, surely you can last a few more weeks.

You love a bird? How scandulous...

I promise you Harry. I have a few things to do here and I promise you I shall smuggle you out of there and we can go spend the rest of our summer in post-coital bliss. You know you want to.

Plus, if you leave you'll be alone and you know you'd miss me. You would eventually come and find me anyway. It's really not worth the effort.

Draco L. Malfoy, Master of the Blow Job. (Guess that makes me a Headmaster, then.)


	7. Harry: Letter Seven

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

To the Headmaster of my heart,

Ooh, why must you tempt? That's not very fair and after reading your last letter i'm tempted to lie very still on the floor myself.

And red doesn't look bad on you, you simply wont give it a chance. And besides, painting your ceiling red doesn't mean you have to wear it. I only thought that you might lie there and look up at it and think of me...

Anyhow, I guess you're right. If i couldn't possibly stand to be here any longer, my destination would be exactly where you are. Think your mum would mind much if I showed up at the front door? She wouldn't have me stand outside alone, now would she? Would you?

And the next time she asks you to go shopping, you should definitely take her up on that offer. A new wardrobe wouldn't do you bad, Draco.

So piningly yours (hoping that is a word)

Your favourite student


	8. Draco: Letter Eight

_Written by me_

* * *

Harry (Because this Headmaster this is getting a bit creepy, all I can think of is Dumbledore),

I tempt because I care. It gives you something to think about.

Yes, red looks horrible on me. I'm to pale and I get all blotchy. And you are a hopeless romantic, aren't you? Lie there and look up at it and thing of me...Honestly, do you think I'm a girl? Because if you do, then I hate to disappoint. I'm not.

And I don't think my mum would care that much if you showed up. She's rather clueless about most things. I actually think she would welcome the company. She would probably inform her dear husband about the odd speccy bloke who came to visit me.

Therein lies the problem.

Of course I wouldn't leave you outside all alone. You could get sick and die and then where would I be?

And I don't need a new wardrobe. I don't have anywhere to put it. I might, however, go and purchase you one. You look homeless. Sorry

Love,

Draco


	9. Harry: Letter Nine

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

My dearest darling Draco, 

Of COURSE I don't think you're a girl. I thought that was my part in this relationship. Ha Ha Ha...

Anyway, you know, a new wardrobe doesn't sound that bad...but then I wouldn't have anywhere to put it each and you would just have to chuck half your stuff to make room for mine and I couldn't just see the look on your face thinking about that.

Yes, your mum informing dear old Lucius of my presence wouldn't be the best but what if I decided to nick you and take you far from this place...

Okay, so maybe I am a hopeless romantic...but you like it that way.

So here's to you and lying very still on the floor in your memory,

Harry


	10. Draco: Letter Ten

_Written by me_

* * *

You,

It's no one's part. We are both boys with very boy-like parts. Thank Merlin...

And I could just...I don't know...nick a wardrobe from another room or something. I need to ask the house elves to do that for me.

Ah, you are going to nick me? You don't even know where I am exactly. You'd get hopelessly lost trying to find the Manor. Just...10 days. Ten days and I'll be there for you. If you want I can kill all the Muggles for you, free of charge.

Let me know about that.

And I do like you being a hopeless romantic. You're sappy enough for the both of us.

And get off the floor before you get all dusty.

Love,

Me


	11. Harry: Letter Eleven

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

You too,

No I will not get off the floor...I rather like it down here. The carpet's soft and I don't have to worry about making the bed, which isn't something I normally worry about but hey, for your sake, I thought I'd try being a bit more tidy about things.

So you really don't think i'm capable of finding you? We'll just give it ten days and see who finds who first.

And no, you aren't allowed to kill my family. The real Headmaster ((ha ha)) would pitch a fit and I wouldn't be able to get away from the school at all. That means no romatic get away, no post-coital bliss, no wonderful blowjobs on my part...

Who's counting the days now? Yours


	12. Draco: Letter Twelve

_Written by me_

* * *

Mr. Potter,

You? Tidy about things? Are you kidding?

And don't you dare leave that place. I'll never be able to find you and there is no way you can make it here. No way. You don't even know where to begin.

I would like to see Dumbledore pitch a fit. It would be extremely entertaining. And since when do you give wonderful blowjobs? Have you been practicing, or something?

Is there something you should tell me before I waste my time rescuing you? Have you found another, less-attractive lover? No one could top me, you realize.

Not even your owl.

And I'm not counting days, I'm simply informing you so you can do it. I thought you would be interested.

Regards,

Mr. Draco Malfoy  
_Slytherin Sex God_


	13. Harry: Letter Thirteen

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

So the Slytherin Sex God,

There you go, teasing me again. And no, I have not been practicing...well, not literally but I've got a few ideas in my mind. Can't wait to try them out.

I promise I'm not going to leave here. I guess I can wait but you had best hurry it up! Come on, it's not like you have much more to do with your days. Why can't I just be there with you?

All girly thoughts aside, you are constantly on my mind, even when I sleep. You're all I think about when I lie here on the bed (yes, i've moved up from the floor) and if Dudley interupts my thoughts once more, you'll have one less horrid family memeber of mine to off. I think he's the only one that knows I'm alive and he hasn't got the head to tell his dear ol' mummy.

Missing you completely, Your willing sex slave (really)


	14. Draco: Letter Fourteen

_Written by me_

* * *

Sex Slave,

I like teasing you. It's fun. I would consider your personal feelings, but it's been a long day and I'm tired. I'm sure you can understand.

You've been fucking me with your mind, haven't you? You kinky sod...

And I do have things to do with my days, but I can't tell you about them. If I do, I'd have to kill you and I'd rather not. Do you have any idea how hard blood is to get out from under your fingernails?

Once again with the fucking me with your mind. I am glad you've moved to the bed. It's ultimately better for your back, so I hear. Do you think of me when you wank? What a silly question, of course you do.

Why don't you bloody lock your door so your cousin will leave you alone? Or you could just do as you suggested and kill him. I'm sure your aunt and uncle would readily believe he ate himself to death.

Eight. You know you love it. Eight more days.

And yes, I'm counting down. So what?

Love,

Your Lord and Master Draco Malfoy


	15. Harry: Letter Fifteen

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

My lord,

Seriously, what's with the blood under the fingernails? Not at all cool and possibly a little bit creepy.

And I never said anything about fucking you with my mind! I only merely suggested that I had some ideas in mind. And just because I practice some of them on myself does not make me kinky...

As a matter of fact, these thoughts have proved of use as my dear cousin walked in on me yesterday doing just that and I don't think he'll be coming back. Not that it bothers me. I still think he's dumfounded as to who Draco is.

And alright, I guess I can live with eight. But they had better pass fast!

With bitter love from lack of sex,

Harry


	16. Draco: Letter Sixteen

_Written by me_

* * *

Sparky,

Stop wanking. Right now. Stop thinking about, stop doing it, just stop.

I want you extremely frustrated with I come for you. And I just realized that that statement could be interpreted in more than one way.

As for the blood, you have to understand who my father is. I was constantly hearing it from the house elves, about how hard it is to get out of robes. My family is twisted. Welcome to it, by the way. You can deal with your uncomfortableness (is that even a word?) later.

And He walked in on you? Wanking? And you don't care? I never thought you would be an exibitionist. We should definitely do it in the Great Hall.

Seven!

Yours in supreme superiority,

Draco


	17. Harry: Letter Seventeen

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

The dirt beneath my feet,

Sparky??? I must say...WHAT THE FUCK?!

And don't you sit there with that smug little smile on your face and tell me that you haven't been ready to explode yourself from lack there of. Though, I must admit, the Hall does sound inviting...and kinky.

I am just going to stop asking about the blood because I really don't think I want to know. And stop telling me the effing number of days I've got left. I'd rather not think about that until the day before, which you should inform me of so that I may pack...well, throw some things in my trunk. Oh, and how are you planning on making this little rescuse mission work?

I NEED INFO!

Love from you know who...well, not _him_ but yeah...


	18. Draco: Letter Eighteen

_Written by me_

* * *

Arse,

I don't know where that came from. It just popped into my head. Look at that, you inspired imagination from me. Already making me a brighter and better person.

I knew you would think so. And I've been rather fine. I've been to busy to be horny. I'm not going to tell you what I've been doing becuase you'll either just be really annoyed or possibly kill me. This is beside painting my ceiling, of course.

I decided on red. Just so you know.

And I wouldn't ask about the blood either. I wish I didn't know.

Six days! Oh, you know you love it. You probably have a little calendar set up and everything.

To be honest, I was just going to walk up to your front door and ask for you. What, do you not think that will work?

Love,

The Amazing Draco


	19. Harry: Letter Ninteen

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

The amazingly dimwitted and not bright what so ever Draco,

Walking up to my door may be a bad idea...but then again they might just take one look at you and off themselves, too afraid of the torture you might inflict upon them and then your work will be done.

And you see! I knew you'd pick red...only because it reminds you of me.

No I do not have a calander but I am starting to get the chills over what you're up to. Hope it's not anything dangerous for you or whomever you're doing it to. And what's with the blood on Hedwig's wing? That's seriously pushing it, love. At least clean yourself up before you touch her.

Just so you know, I'm doing an extremely girly thing right now. After I'm done with this letter I'm going to kiss it in the hopes that that kiss will reach you. Because, randy or not, that is something greatly missed on my part.

Hoping to see your shadow in my doorway soon,

Your number one fan


	20. Draco: Letter Twenty

_Written by me_

* * *

The Equally Dimwitted Harry,

I'll think of another, more stealthy way to retrieve you. And I am pretty frightening, aren't I?

And don't be so bloody smug. I picked red because it matched my duvet.

I don't want you to be mad at me. I promise I'll be more careful with your bird.

You kissed the letter? Maybe I should kiss this one and see if you strategy works. It's doubtful, though. Most of your ideas are stupid.

Five. Five days and you can stop kissing paper and kiss me instead.

Draco the Great


	21. Harry: Letter Twenty One

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

The Emporer of the entire effing World,

Not kissing paper, eh? Let me just say hmmmm...that sounds etrodinarily nice.

You know, I don't think I fancy the idea of you painting your ceiling red much any more. What, with it matching the duvet and such, it really reminds me too much of all the blood. And the blood reminds me of the fact that I don't know what the hell you're doing with yourself. And that reminds me that I'm not with you...

So maybe you should just stick with the green or maybe even the blue.

And you are not that frightening...I only meant that if you showed up at my place, claiming that you're my boyfriend come to fetch me for the rest of the summer, well, after their initcial shock of who the hell Harry Potter is (oh yes, I remember now, he's that quiet ghost that lives upstairs and doesn't eat. Oh...I thought he was dead.) they would probably fein death from heart failure or Uncle Vernon's inability to breath through his nose. I guess you're right about a bit of it, though. Dudley would surely run at the sight of you. Pretty things make him nervous.

Anyway, still counting the days on my nice handy beside-the-bed callander that I made especialy with you in mind.

Love,

The guy in the corner there, plotting against the Kingdom entirely


	22. Draco: Letter Twenty Two

_Written by me_

* * *

Bloody Turncoat,

It should sound nice.

You were the one that suggested it. Forget I said anything about blood. I promise I'm fine, and I promise that it reminds me of you, not...other things.

But if you want I can change it. Green would match too, I guess. Or possibly royal purple. I just really didn't want to go too poncy.

Of course I'm frightening. I would say 'Hand over my fair maiden, you evil brute, before I stab you with a pointed object', then your horribly obese relatives would simply die of fright. I would then, of course, sweep up to your room, kiss you soundly, and sweep you up into my arms and ride away on my broomstick into the sunset.

After that we'd shag until the sun came up.

Or I might just tie them up and make off with you. I'm not sure which sounds more fun.

Pretty things make him nervous? I should be pleased. Is he nervous around you? He damn well should be...

You made a calender? With me in mind? I'm touched. What, is it insanely good-looking? Because one would think it was.

Until My Galliant Rescue,

Sir Draco, Defender of Fair Maidens


	23. Harry: Letter Twenty Three

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

My Knight in Shining Armour,

Ignoring that fact that I am now considered a 'fair maiden', I actually think there was a complement in there. Where you actually calling me pretty? Oh, Draco, I'm so touched...stupid pounce.

You know, I really think you should stick with that royal purple colour, it's just so...you. Pretty yet ever so gay.

And no shagging until the sun comes up for you, mister. You've depribed me of far to many wanks here with your stupid face in mind that I'm not sure I'll be able to preform any longer.

Sorry for the inconvience.

The Fairest Maiden of them All


	24. Draco: Letter Twenty Four

_Written by me_

* * *

Ponce,

I'm not...well, I am, but I don't appreciate being called, a ponce! I can call myself that, but you...you can't. And yes, there may have been a compliment in there. Maybe. I don't remember, it was so very long ago... 

I'm not, as you say, 'Ever so gay'. I may be gay, but you know you love it. And I know I'm pretty. It's a given. 

And you had so better be joking. There will be shagging. Lots of shagging. Don't try to back out of it. Get plenty of sleep, 'cause I won't let you. Be warned. 

Three days. Are you all abuzz with anticipation? 

The Prettiest Ponce of Them All 


	25. Harry: Letter Twenty Five

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

Draco, (couldn't think of anything interesting to call you. must be lack of sex consuming mind)

Do you have any idea how many times I rolled my eyes at your last letter? And of course I love the fact that you're gay...if you weren't I probably wouldn't love you at all.

And sorry love but there will be NO SEX for at least a week now. I am no longer able to function in that manner from such a long absence of it. There's nothing you can do but sit there and pout like you are now, making that cute little face that I hate so much.

Yes yes, three more days...well, by the time you get this there will only be two. I certainly hope you've thought of something creative as your means to get me because I will be thoroughly disappointed if you dont and that may very well add another week unto the lack of sex marathon.

Harry (so tired, can't possibly move) Potter


	26. Draco: Letter Twenty Six

_Written by me_

* * *

Sex-Deprived Maniac,

Thanks for the encouraging news. You wouldn't love me if I weren't gay? I'll remember that...

And you're such an arse. I don't need your sex anyway. I'm perfectly self-sufficient. You can just sit there and watch me, we'll see how 'functional' you are then...

And I am definitely not pouting. I don't pout.

And I PROMISE I'll come after you. How many times do I have to tell you? I'll be there. There will be more information about 'Project Save Lover Boy' with the next letter.

Yes, I came up with that all on my own. Stop laughing.

Go to bloody sleep if you're so tired.

Yours,

Draco


	27. Harry: Letter Twenty Seven

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

Captian and Commander of Operation Save Lover Boy (SO cute),

I'm not tired in the sense that I want to sleep. I'm just so tired of being here and lying in my room.

And I am SO not sitting there watching you wank. That'll disgust me more than bring me around. Really.

I do expect the next letter to be very detailed...well, maybe I want it to be a surprise. Whatever, just do what you please.

Can't think of much more to say. My mind's shut down.

Love, Harry


	28. Draco: Letter Twenty Eight

_Written by me_

* * *

Harry Bloody Potter,

My plan is in no way cute. Nor is its name.

I'm sorry you are sick of your room. I really am.

And you know you would totally get of on my wanking. I would make it a good show.

I'm not giving you details, I'll just tell you one thing:

Be on the lookout for a white ferret. When you see it, gather your things and sneak out.

And stop bloody laughing.

Until the day after tommorrow,

Draco


	29. Harry: Letter Twenty Nine

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

Draco Fucking Malfoy,

Are we anxious dear or is there something really bothering you? In your last letter you seemed so...distraught. Whether I laughed at it or not, I know you're not smiling and I hope to change that.

But hmm...white ferret? Now where on earth did we get an idea such as that? You know, I don't think you're as smart and clever as you make yourself believe...

And don't be so rude! Of course I'm going to shag your bleeding brains out the moment we're alone. You should really learn to laugh a little, Draco. You're so much more prettier when you do.

I've now reduced myself to counting the hours and soon I know it'll be the minutes.

Love, Harry


	30. Draco: Letter Thirty

_Written by me_

* * *

Harry,

Of course I'm anxious. I'm sorry if...I'm just sorry. I really miss you, I miss how you make me feel. I wish I could tell you what's bothering me but you'll hate me in more ways than one. I don't want you to hate me. I want you to smile at me and laugh at me when I'm annoyed with you. I don't want...I don't want to see you sad anymore. I'm tired of that.

As for the white ferret, where do you think I got the idea? Stupid bloody Moody and his stupid bloody magic. Oddly enough, however, it has proved very useful in more than one way. You'll understand.

I knew we would shag, you were just being a dramatic queen. And I smiled a bit when I read that you were concerned about my sense of humour. That must count for something, right?

Until tomorrow,

Draco


	31. Harry: Letter Thirty One

_Written by beatlebeb_

* * *

Draco,

I know this will probably be the last letter you recieve before I see you but I want you to know that I'm very concerned as to what it is going on inside that head of yours. Something is up, even if I can't see it in your eyes I know. And I want to help you. Whatever it is, you can tell me.

I know I haven't said it in not one of these effing letters but I love you and I don't want you to have to deal with anything hard alone. And get that stupid grin off your face, you sodding perv! I hadn't meant it like that...

Am literally counting the seconds now.

Harry


	32. Draco: Letter Thirty Two

_Written by me_

* * *

Love,

Look outside your window.

Me

* * *

_The End_


End file.
